Figless Trees

This week has been tough.

I have had the flu for nearly two. A difficult one to crack and there is plenty of it going around. Just as I begin to feel better, my husband succumbs. Here we are sneezing and coughing together; consuming vitamin C, cough medicine, and lozenges like they are going out of fashion.

What has kept me perky? While resting in bed has been necessary, there dreams can flourish too. God has placed a vision in my heart, a kind of commission if you will. First planted a little over three years ago, I often wonder when the time will come for it to bloom. It has been on my mind quite frequently of late. Pondering the reasons for this I sought Him.

Not wanting to read into things and create ‘signs’ that do not exist I tried to ignore them. All the more they appeared. Inspiring quotes on friends facebook updates, topics of blogs I’ve been reading, even internet advertising. Convinced in the end that I should do something, I came up with a brilliant (or so I think) plan. Not only does it serve others but also has the potential to create an extra income that we could genuinely use.

The one big physical thing holding me back from fulfilling this aspiration is a lack of finances. It will require funding to get off the ground and established. Right now we simply do not have that kind of money. Not because we don’t earn it, but because we have an obligation to pay the cost of living of my step-son. Talk about expensive. I’d be lying if I said we had never been bitter about it. Not so much the fact that we have to pay (we do want to do the right thing by him), but rather the amount and what we see it being spent on. Unnecessary luxuries that we could only fantasize about having for ourselves.  The government care little what she does with the money or that I am financially dependent on my husband. Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face... 

So I had never dared to explore the possibilities too much or allowed myself to believe that hope might come to fruition any time soon…

Overcoming shyness I contacted companies for exact quotes. We also comply with the rules and regulations, so far so good. Laying it all out there on the line we approached the bank believing that if God wants this to happen then it simply will…

We do not have the final word on the matter, and I have not given up hope just yet. But things are not looking good. For the bank to agree to the loan, a small miracle is required.

Right now, emotions run deep. We are so close and yet so far. I do not understand what God is doing. Why does He allow the dream to stir if the season has not yet arrived? Or have I run ahead of Him without meaning to?

Pouring my heart into his hands, I’m a blubbering mess. I often find that writing things out is a great way to lay burdens down; scrawling in my most chicken-scratchy writing for pages until I finally get to what really matters.  Fully expecting just this, I begin…all that comes though is this:

When life overwhelms,

I turn to you.

When I can’t see the way forward,

I turn to you.

When all seems so unfair;

When ungodly men profit

At my expense.

Turning the fulfilment of dreams

Into a lesson in trust and patience.

Again.

I know that you are there.

 

Then, almost immediately, I am compelled to write these words underneath:

^{Habakkuk 3:17} Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

                                    (NIV - Emphasis mine)

I do not know the ‘what’ or the ‘why’ in this situation. Having all the answers is not my job. Mine is to trust. Simply trust Him.