I Will Lift Up My Eyes

For the most part I’ve accepted that CFS is just something I have to deal with. I take each day as it comes. Until I don’t. Until I find myself struggling with low to no energy for too many days in a row. Until my emotions end up scraping the bottom of the barrel as well. Until I’m crying out, begging for healing. Asking how this or that is supposed to happen.

Each and every time I come to this place he asks me to trust Him. To rest in the knowledge that he’s got this and he’s got me. Though I can’t see the bigger picture, he can. Just believe.

I realised the other day that it’s nearly the anniversary again of when this all began. 23 years ago. It’s been an emotional week as I process how I feel about that. But it’s also been a time of renewed hope.

Realising what the date was didn’t come on its own though - It came wrapped with memories of his faithfulness.  When I was tempted to overthink it all, finding myself focused on the waves instead of Jesus’ face, he spoke a Psalm to my heart. Returning to that place of acceptance once more he brought me full circle (undoing me again) with the same old hymn that he used way back at the beginning as I came to grips with it all for the very first time.

I suspect I’m not on my own with these struggles. So I’d like to share a sample of where my head’s been at. I pray, if you’re reading this, you’ll find encouragement too…

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For you are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You’re the hand that’s holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need you’ve met, Faithful God

All I am and all I’ll ever be is all because you love faithfully.

Faithful God.

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For you are the love that never leaves

The friend that won’t deceive

You’re the one sure thing

How deep how wide the love

That pierced his side, the love

Redemptions mine, O Love that will not let me go

(Laura Story – 2011)

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“I will lift my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.” (Psalm 121: 1-3)

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And that, that is well with my soul.

Great Faithfulness

I was looking at the calendar the other morning when it dawned on me… I don’t remember the exact date. I just know it was around Mother’s Day 1994. When my glands first got huge and I felt sick and horrible. When Icame down with the glandular fever that began this extreme consciousness of health. Nineteen years ago. I was just thirteen.

It is not really the kind of anniversary one would care to throw a party for. Yet I cannot help reflecting on that line in the sand and everything since. And there is plenty to celebrate.

There is the obvious. The big achievements. Graduating high school, followed three years later by university. My first paid job. My first ‘proper’ job. Meeting my Prince Charming, marrying him – and now our two little princes. There is the moving around we have done with work. The eventual ending up here in this town; our first preference on a daunting list of possibilities. The finding ourselves living very close to schools, and shops, and church. The funds to send this one here or there…

But if I were to leave it at that, the story would be missing so much. So, so much. It would be erroneous of me not to tell you about the daily things. The little things that really are not. The getting up each day. The victory of open eyes, and finding the will power to get out of bed. The blessing of bursts of energy to get ready and go somewhere. The wonder of beauty products that give dignity to a pale face with dark circles under the eyes. The ‘oomph’ to accomplish housework – even if I am not able to do as much as I might like each day. The being a mother. Finding creative ways to spend precious time that my body can handle. The making it to the end of the day. And even the days when I just have to stay in bed; the husband whose job allows him to stay home occasionally and watch the little one so I can rest.

Faithfulness. Great is His faithfulness. It is the only way I have done all this. It is the only way I will go on doing all this.

Psalm 117 ¹ Praise the Lord, all you nations;
    extol him, all you peoples.
² For great is his love toward us,
    and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord. (NIV)