Monday, 5 January 2015

Getting My Joy Back

If you’ve been following along the journey here, you’ll know that we’ve had an extra soul living here the last year or two. That hasn’t always been an easy thing for me. I’ve known a spot (alright it was more of a huge blotch) of desperation or two. A striving towards the light. A failing and falling. A grasping onto hope. A quiet clinging to the One who covers the whole sticky mess with Grace. Because without that? I hate to think just where we’d be.

While I consider myself one who tries to look for the good in things - to spy that speck of joy in the muddy puddle - I have to admit that I lost my way somewhat this past year. Hope was always there but I’d conquer the darkness and then it would conquer me. And round and round we went.

Desperate for some me time, I stayed up far too late recently and caught up on my favourite blogs. Thank you ladies for putting your imperfection out there. I love you for it. So much. In the midst of the quiet I found myself relating all too well to a post about depression. One thing led to another and there I was staring at a list of possible symptoms able to tick a good three quarters of them. There is a healing of sorts in such a moment. A dawning of realisation that the emotional exhaustion, general ‘just over life right now-ness’, and the barely coping with a certain situation that has carried on much too long-  are all just signs pointing to the fact that the puddle may actually be more of a bog and a little help and self-love are very needed.

You see, I know that things haven’t always been too pretty here. I’m quite aware my attitude has downright stunk at times. If the situation wasn’t enough to weigh me down, the constant nagging thoughts in my head certainly have. Difficult decisions have been made that left me feeling compromised one way or the other. What if the choice I made wasn’t the best? The alternative still had its issues too. Impossible to win. Looking back I wonder if I enabled that which frustrated me. Did I put in my best effort? Could I have exercised a little more grace?

In the end there’s nothing to do but be still. What’s done is done. Now we wait for the miracle where He works it all out for good. This is also time for the f word: Forgiveness. And that starts with myself.

“He offers us forgiveness for every intentional sin, every accidental one, and even the ones we have no idea we’ve lived out. Nothing we have or haven’t done in our lives-or for or to our special kids-either merits or disqualifies us from His love for us (Romans 8:28). The only aspect that hinges on us is this: will we receive it? Because that’s what “forgiving ourselves” is all about.” – Laurie Wallin

I feel deep in my soul the need for joy. The timing of Laurie’s new book couldn’t be more appropriate. I’m not quite sure what the journey will look like in 2015. But I know it begins with a step towards healing. With goodness and mercy following me, I’m getting my joy back.

Are you a special needs parent? Or maybe just struggling with a difficult child? Need a dose of joy yourself? Join me in reading “Get Your Joy Back”. Get your copy here.
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