You may have
noticed very few posts lately. In fact there have been none. It’s not that I
didn’t try to write at first. There were a few attempts at putting thoughts
down. But they never seemed to take the turn I’d hoped they would. Instead they
looked a lot (an awful lot) like somebody, a little lost, just trying to make
sense of her world and her muddled head. They never really reached a point that
felt worth sharing. Or became too raw and too personal to splash about. (Maybe
one day I’ll dip into them – who knows?)
Then there was
a whole lot of nothing. No inspiration would come at all.
And since this
writing thing is done because I believe He would have me do it, I asked Him
what should be said. He was very quiet on the matter. I sensed the need to hush,
be still - not put so much pressure
on myself. To trust that when the time was right, the words would come.
There was one small
word that came and sat. It seemed to disappear there for awhile. Though if I
think about it, it never really did. I’ve opened my eyes and noticed it quietly
peeping round the corner at me lately. Winking, willing curiosity to come and
see.
It’s always so hard for me to
start again, to find my rhythm. When I do not know what to say or how to feel,
I write a letter. The music always finds me there.
…and so…
Dear Sweet You,
You asked us,
the other month, if we had a word for this coming year.
You had one –
and others in the conversation had one too. I was happy for you all,
really. But I didn't. At least, not yet.
At the end of
last year a different somebody asked me what I wanted from the New Year.
My honest
answer? To survive.
Said out loud
it sounded so hollow and sad. But what I really meant was, I’d like to get my
act together. To actually put in place a little daily plan. To feel as if
something has been accomplished. To cope. To rise above. To find joy again …
The more I
thought about it, the more I envisioned myself doing these things. The more I
wanted to do these things. The more I allowed myself to believe in the
possibilities.
I dared to
dream once more - for more than survival. I wanted to live.
Life got in the
way. I dropped the vision somewhere in a rut. It all seemed too hard, too much, too
unattainable.
But I haven’t
given up. I can’t. I won’t. Sometimes, I am learning, I just need to rest. In the circumstance
– and in Him.
Slowly but
surely progress is happening. The
difficult is becoming easier. Or at least making more sense. I am learning new
things, I am growing, I am in fact more alive than I had realised…
and, I have hope.
Thank you so
much for asking!
Lizzy xx
