A Really Sparkly One

Dear Sweet Child of Mine,

Only the good Lord knows how much I have to choose to love you some days. Only He knows the full extent of the guilt I have felt for my (lack of) feelings towards you. Only He knows what really goes on in that head of yours.

And He knows the desires of this heart to appreciate you better, to see the real you, to look beyond Asperger’s and see the beautiful, loving person that you are.

Some days, many days, it is hard. I have wrestled mightily with my heart over you, dear child. Often I have prayed, begged even, for just a glimpse beyond the surface. A precious moment where we can connect, even if it only lasts five minutes. When it comes, it’s a truly sparkly treasure.  

Tonight though, He orchestrated something just beautiful. So very exquisite. My eyes are still leaking.

Pastor was asking for volunteers to pray for folk in the church who struggle with health. I was a little unsure when you accepted his request to pray for me. I never quite know what to expect from your lips. I needn’t have worried.

First, you felt the need to explain to the congregation that your Mama struggles with more than Chronic Fatigue – she has two boys who have their moments too!!! Oh dear child, you do indeed know how to make me laugh! I needed that reminder. So much.

Before we knew it, eyes (not just mine) were welling up as you declared, in your childish faith, that your Mama was a blessing and you thanked God and led the congregation in a sweet, sweet prayer.

My son, you are so, so much more than Asperger’s, and quirks, and a child trying figure out a confusing world. Please forgive me for failing often to see beyond the daily mud we get mired in.

Thank you for letting Him work through you.

So much love,

Mama xx