This
week has been tough.
I have
had the flu for nearly two. A difficult one to crack and there is plenty of it
going around. Just as I begin to feel better, my husband succumbs. Here we are
sneezing and coughing together; consuming vitamin C, cough medicine, and
lozenges like they are going out of fashion.
What has
kept me perky? While resting in bed has been necessary, there dreams can
flourish too. God has placed a vision in my heart, a kind of commission if you
will. First planted a little over three years ago, I often wonder when the time
will come for it to bloom. It has been on my mind quite frequently of late. Pondering
the reasons for this I sought Him.
Not
wanting to read into things and create ‘signs’ that do not exist I tried to
ignore them. All the more they appeared. Inspiring quotes on friends facebook
updates, topics of blogs I’ve been reading, even internet advertising. Convinced
in the end that I should do something, I came up with a brilliant (or so I
think) plan. Not only does it serve others but also has the potential to create
an extra income that we could genuinely use.
The one
big physical thing holding me back from fulfilling this aspiration is a lack of
finances. It will require funding to get off the ground and established. Right
now we simply do not have that kind of money. Not because we don’t earn it, but
because we have an obligation to pay the cost of living of my step-son. Talk
about expensive. I’d be lying if I said we had never been bitter about it. Not so
much the fact that we have to pay (we do
want to do the right thing by him), but rather the amount and what we see it
being spent on. Unnecessary luxuries that we could only fantasize about having
for ourselves. The government care
little what she does with the money or that I am financially dependent on my
husband. Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face...
So I had never dared to explore the
possibilities too much or allowed myself to believe that hope might come to
fruition any time soon…
Overcoming
shyness I contacted companies for exact quotes. We also comply with the rules
and regulations, so far so good. Laying it all out there on the line we
approached the bank believing that if God wants this to happen then it simply
will…
We do
not have the final word on the matter, and I have not given up hope just yet.
But things are not looking good. For the bank to agree to the loan, a small
miracle is required.
Right
now, emotions run deep. We are so close and yet so far. I do not understand
what God is doing. Why does He allow the dream to stir if the season has not
yet arrived? Or have I run ahead of Him without meaning to?
Pouring my
heart into his hands, I’m a blubbering mess. I often find that writing things
out is a great way to lay burdens down; scrawling in my most chicken-scratchy
writing for pages until I finally get to what really matters. Fully expecting just this, I begin…all that
comes though is this:
When life overwhelms,
I turn to you.
When I can’t see the way forward,
I turn to you.
When all seems so unfair;
When ungodly men profit
At my expense.
Turning the fulfilment of dreams
Into a lesson in trust and patience.
Again.
I know that you are there.
Then, almost
immediately, I am compelled to write these words underneath:
Habakkuk 3:17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
(NIV - Emphasis
mine)
I do not
know the ‘what’ or the ‘why’ in this situation. Having all the answers is not
my job. Mine is to trust. Simply trust Him.