I Will Lift Up My Eyes

For the most part I’ve accepted that CFS is just something I have to deal with. I take each day as it comes. Until I don’t. Until I find myself struggling with low to no energy for too many days in a row. Until my emotions end up scraping the bottom of the barrel as well. Until I’m crying out, begging for healing. Asking how this or that is supposed to happen.

Each and every time I come to this place he asks me to trust Him. To rest in the knowledge that he’s got this and he’s got me. Though I can’t see the bigger picture, he can. Just believe.

I realised the other day that it’s nearly the anniversary again of when this all began. 23 years ago. It’s been an emotional week as I process how I feel about that. But it’s also been a time of renewed hope.

Realising what the date was didn’t come on its own though - It came wrapped with memories of his faithfulness.  When I was tempted to overthink it all, finding myself focused on the waves instead of Jesus’ face, he spoke a Psalm to my heart. Returning to that place of acceptance once more he brought me full circle (undoing me again) with the same old hymn that he used way back at the beginning as I came to grips with it all for the very first time.

I suspect I’m not on my own with these struggles. So I’d like to share a sample of where my head’s been at. I pray, if you’re reading this, you’ll find encouragement too…

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For you are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You’re the hand that’s holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need you’ve met, Faithful God

All I am and all I’ll ever be is all because you love faithfully.

Faithful God.

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For you are the love that never leaves

The friend that won’t deceive

You’re the one sure thing

How deep how wide the love

That pierced his side, the love

Redemptions mine, O Love that will not let me go

(Laura Story – 2011)

...

“I will lift my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.” (Psalm 121: 1-3)

...

And that, that is well with my soul.

In His Time

Lately it seems I'm back on the road of learning (again, and again, and again) the need to go easy on myself and rest in God's good timing; 

the fact that he holds the bigger picture; 

that he knows where I'm at; 

that he's okay with that.

Unfold and Refresh Yourself

‘Unfold and refresh yourself’…

Maybe it’s my wacky sense of humour. Maybe they should have worded it better. I’m not sure. But who really cares? Gets me every time.

Things round here have been, well…stressed – to put it mildly.

My stepson has been here now for a little under a week. I know there has to be a ‘settling in’ phase. I know that whatever I’m feeling, he no doubt, feels ten times more. I can’t say I’m a fan of this. Kind of stinks sometimes.

Little things, that shouldn't feel big, do. Like the way he seemingly has no table manners -or at least, not the ones we wish he had. Like the way he unknowingly uses words and phrases that don't belong here. Like discovering his hair in my brush (what the?!). We said we’d love this kid where he was at. And we are. And we do. When he’s around.

Last night in whispered tones I confessed to my man, how I was really feeling. That even though it felt silly, the truth is I am struggling.

We said we would buy him stuff he needed. Knowing full well that there would likely be quite the list.  And there has been. The budget has suffered quite a beating. I’m tired and I physically ache. I just want to take a break. Spend some money on a meal out and maybe some entertainment for the kids. Run away and forget the real world for a while. But we must eat and there is no money left for fun.

I lay in bed last night and cried. Let the stress out.

This morning he rang the bank. Or rather the computer system there. We needed to be sure of where the funds were at so we could spend them wisely. He gets a silly grin on his face. Puts the phone to my ear. It says we have enough. More than we were expecting. Far more… The automated voice asks if I’d like to hear it again. I pushed the button. Yes please!

Turns out we qualified for a payment we were blissfully ignorant of. And there it is. God knew. And God supplied.

Now, I can unfold and refresh!

Matthew 11:28  If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, 

come to me and I will give you rest.

A Hot Chocolate Moment

So the blog has been pretty quiet lately. Life has been ultra busy. And I’ve been sick (with the flu) and as much as I think about writing and desire to put something down on paper (or keyboard) so to speak – it just hasn’t happened.

So I give myself the week off. I think, well I can always blog next week when life is a little less hectic. But each week seems to bring with it a long list of to-dos. And I get overwhelmed (again).

This is life right now. This is the season I’m in. Officially school holidays begin in a couple more days. But I can’t even think about resting because we have so much we need to achieve during that time.

I have shared some of these burdens with a beautiful group of women in an (in)courage group (join one if you can). I am so blessed to have them in my life. These caring souls who have lifted my burdens heavenward, speak encouragement to my heart also.

God is bigger.

He knows what’s going on.

He can handle it.

Rest in Him.

^{Jeremiah 32:17} “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. 

So won’t you sit here for a quiet moment with me? Perhaps enjoy a cup of tea, or hot chocolate. We grow that in our garden. It’s a rose.

Isn’t it gorgeous?

I Can Only Imagine

Join me in the Five Minute Friday Challenge hosted by Lisa-Jo Baker. Participants write for 5 minutes with no editing, no over thinking, and no backtracking. This week’s word is: Imagine.

(Go)

Dear Stepson,

Emails have been flying back and forth lately at a crazy rate. Your phone call this evening confirmed what we’ve been waiting to hear. You’re coming to stay. For eighteen months. The longest you’ve stayed before has been about a week.

We are excited. We are scared. Our brains are going into overload as we try to piece our racing thoughts together. We relish the opportunity to get to know you better. To establish the kind of relationship we have (up until this point) only dreamed of. We have never looked after a teenager before. The eldest child that lives here is ten. And he has Asperger’s - so his lists of interests don’t always exactly fit the norm. We find this genuinely frightening. We don’t know what to do with someone your age.

Our parenting style is quite different to what we understand you are used to. We pray that it won’t be too difficult to get used to each other’s ways. We know that some things have been a little less than happy with the other parent figures in your life. Please know that we want to start this journey with you, with a clean slate. We’ll even paint your room. But first we’d better build it. We have dreamed up a cosy little space for you. The renovating is screaming louder than ever. I have it all mapped out in my mind. I hope you like it when it’s done.

Together we’ll learn things we never knew before. I’m certain you’ll teach us and grow us just as much as we want to help you and be there for you. We look forward to the highs and are bracing ourselves for the lows. We will leave it all in God’s hands.

You arrive in just over a month. How are you feeling? I can only imagine…

(Stop)

Now, your turn…

The View From Here

Join me in the Five Minute Friday Challenge hosted by Lisa-Jo Baker. Participants write for 5 minutes with no editing, no over thinking, and no backtracking. This week’s word is: View.

(Go)

The view from here seems rather daunting

With all its unknown twists and turns.

This path that I have never trodden,

Looms large and dark with things unsure.

Will it be a happy journey?

Or will its burdens drag me down

To depths of strength I’ve not yet found?

The view from here might overwhelm me

If I should sit and dwell upon

The muddy puddles sure to spring up

And catch me without my gumboots on.

The view from here might overcome me

If I just look straight ahead.

But turning round I soon discover

One beside me, taking my hand.

He will walk this passage with me

And I will not be alone.

Should troubles come I need not worry

He will guide me to the end.

(Stop)

Now, your turn…

Two Little Smiles From My Week

‘It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow’ – I’m sure you have heard that one before. But did you know it takes sunshine and rain to grow roses? I mean, seriously, I did know that. But I was so focused on the individual elements that I couldn't see them working together – in my own front garden.

We had sun, so much sun. The plants we wanted to grow in our garden were really struggling. Only the weeds seemed to thrive. Then we had rain, so much rain. And when that got done drowning everything, all I could see were those thriving weeds.

The sun came out again. It was hot and humid. So I stayed indoors with the fan.

Now it’s raining again. A lot.

We were getting ready to go out. I was almost at the front gate when they waved at me. Two most perfect little rose buds. I looked up at the dark clouds looming overhead and ran inside to grab the scissors. The rain was not going to ruin these. We would enjoy them inside instead.

Apparently my eyes have not been working so well. The more I looked, the more I saw. Initially, I had planned on collecting just two rose buds to enjoy. I came back inside with a handful numbering twenty one!

That friends, right there, is heart medicine. The kind God prescribes.

Here’s another dose…

Six years ago, I sat and bawled my eyes out to the Newsboys singing ‘Blessed Be Your Name’. My (then) four year old looked at me worriedly and told me not to cry. He was too young to understand that Mummy and Daddy so desperately wanted him to have a little sister or brother (ok, we were leaning very heavily on the sister side). It wasn't happening as easily as we had hoped.

I took some pictures a few days ago. Despite the blurriness, they are too good not to share.

Here is my (now) four year old dancing his little heart out to the Newsboys singing ‘Blessed Be Your Name’. 

 He doesn't understand why Mummy has a tear in her eye either.

Got a moment of blessing you'd like to share? Tell us all about it in the comments below.

Praise From The Valley

We did not lose our house. Unlike so many others we did not lose any possessions. Unlike so many others we only had an hour without electricity. The supermarket shelves are quite bare in places but we still have food on our plates and in our bellies. We have each other. We are blessed.

Why then is my soul so heavy?  Why have I found myself weeping in the quiet at night?

In the lead up to Christmas I felt so utterly overwhelmed. I needed a holiday from life. Instead we hosted my family Christmas at our house and by the time we were done partying, we had spent three days straight either hosting or attending family functions. It was good but exhausting. New Years came and went in a rather nondescript fashion as we threw ourselves into the renovating like tomorrow may never show up.  

All too quickly time came for my husband to return to work. The renovating is far from finished. So much of the house is waiting patiently to have items returned to where they ought to be - or installed for the very first time. I have surrendered to the plasterboard dust trekked throughout the place. Quite simply, it is an uphill battle that can only really be won when the final lick of fresh paint is clinging to the new walls…

Bush fires on the news. Smoke catching in our throats at night. Desperate prayers for rain…

Floods. So much water. Such a mess. All a vivid portrait of my messy feelings. It is one thing to feel overwhelmed. It is another to have it unwittingly played out before you, like a bizarre production, making it so horribly real.

On Tuesday I stood on the hilltop by the swollen river and gazed in awe at what was still visible of two buildings. I was grateful for my sunglasses to hide the emotion welling up. I was not alone. Many others had come to see too. Nobody spoke. We just looked and looked some more. Not quite believing and yet knowing that this was nothing compared to what other towns were experiencing.

Yes, that is a hill I'm standing on. The roof to the rear belongs to a two storey building.

Insomnia has returned in all its glory. I have not felt much like praising lately. Sitting here waiting to be sleepy, it occurs to me I have not bathed my soul in music for a while. Solo acoustic piano hymns are my medicine of choice.

The music speaks to my heart; whispers to my soul that all will be well. It points me to my Saviour; all the wonders He has done. The heavy boggy mud drowning my heart shifts and hope draws a shaky breath. More tears slowly begin to wash the tension away. My spirit knows full well that the song I am humming along to must be sung; truly believed and with gusto.

 Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!

O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord, who o’er all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires e’er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee;
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

Praise to the Lord, who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

Praise to the Lord, who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him;
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

Joachim Neander, 1665

PS – Since writing this post I have discovered that I am not alone in having been personally spared loss -yet feeling numb and teary around the edges. Please continue to pray for the people affected by the natural disasters. There is much healing to be done. Thank you. 

Soggy Prayers

Where to begin?

Two Fridays ago I was asking God for rain. My country was so dry and on fire (in places it still is). Today I write to you from a much, much soggier situation. A large portion of my state, and soon to be the state below us, are now in the middle of a major flood disaster situation. Some folk have lost everything. There have been several tornadoes go through towns not more than a few hundred kilometres from here. Some much closer.

A town just over an hours drive away is bracing for the worst flood in its recorded history. Emergency services spent the day evacuating one thousand residents by helicopter. They are worried that the sheer force of the water will tear houses from stumps and they will float away.

My own town is awaiting the peak of our river sometime this evening. Roads are closed. Bridges well under water. Businesses inaccessible. Houses in low lying areas submerged.

Out the front of my son's school

The really heart breaking thing is that we went through all this exactly two years ago. Businesses and family homes that have only just gotten back on their feet have been laid low again.

A beautiful park we love to visit

We desperately needed rain and now we need it to stop. While we thank God for what we pleaded for it feels ungrateful to say, ‘Now that’s enough!’

At the end of our street and around the corner 

Would you join me in prayer? My own family is safe and (relatively) dry. Many others though, are not. I don’t always understand why God allows these things. But I do know that He is in control.